Thirty Speaks to Twenty

the passing of memorial day weekend symbolizes not only the beginning of summer, but the beginning of the holiday season. the northern hemisphere wakes up from the armpit of winter that is january and february, and the lull of duldrum days until finally -- finally -- it's here.

for me, it's also always a reminder that my birthday is around the corner. after the vacation jaunting of june, july and the long stretch and yawn of august, suddenly it's football season again, the air is crisp and cool, and then it's labor day and my birthday... and this year, i turn thirty. the big 3-0. whoo-dee-hoo.

thirty used to seem so old, but reconsidering it, i feel it's really the new twenty. i guess that's what everyone says to evade the truth. but really, i feel and look the best i ever have... i'm confident but not cocky. i'm wise but always curious to a new adventure. i'm strong and secure, but soft in the right places. i am so much more of a woman... and still a girl in all of the right ways.

when a girl looks back on her twenties, she can feel an overwhelming need to just breathe out. exhale to release ten years of life. ten years to stretch her soul, ten years to gather all of the mosaic pieces of lesson and experience -- ten years gone, upside down, fading in the rear view mirror.

thirty, to me, means no longer apologizing for the person i am, but standing up to life. so much of a girl's twenties are spent wishing away calories, contorting your shape to fit into a predetermined mold. apologizing for being too smart, too funny, too shy, too bold, too deep.

thirty, to me, means knowing how to walk away from heartache with the grace of a woman but still the hope of a girl. i am no longer bitter, angry, twisted and wrung dry on the line. the woman in me, my thirty, knows that it takes far more energy to be hateful than to just be happy.

and i am. not because i never loved, but because i loved with everything i am. and not because i let it be free, but because when i held it in my arms, i treasured it beyond all riches. and not because of the ending, but because from such an ending is always reborn a beginning. because god has a wicked sense of humor and fate's hand will always surprise you.

and if you don't learn from your travels, if you don't appreciate every breathing wonder that enters into your life; if you spend more time building walls than you do tearing them down, if you can't just breath out and stand in the mirror of the world naked in full cellulite -- not apologizing for every dimple but revelling in your unique ways -- you'll never cross over the mountain to see what i see from here...

perspective. it's a woman's best friend.